Deconverted Christians, what helped you on your journey?

I am deconverting and I was wondering what helped you? I get depressed sometimes because I wonder if i'm missing some key part of christianity that will make me believe again. But no matter how much I try it's hard for me to even comprehend what your supposed to believe in. I watch youtube videos, visit exchristian.com, and read articles. Then something will make me think maybe i'm wrong and i'll get a little sad again. It makes me so sad that I wish I just could stop existing so that i'll not have to worry about it anymore. It sucks. So can someone please help? btw not suicidal and i'd rather please not be preached to today thanks. So if you could please defer from preaching to me do that. Thanks.